Indian spooks call for lower trade barriers to crush Pakistan


In a joint statement issued on Friday, several serving Indian military, intelligence and diplomatic operatives angrily denounced a letter written by a group of retired military, intelligence and diplomatic officials that called for India to freeze talks and to “impose costs on Pakistan for terrorism.”

“We’ve been imposing costs for years,” said Agent Vinod, the group’s spokesperson, “but the Pakistanis have barely noticed. Counter-terrorism sounds fine in principle, but how does it help to throw Molotov cocktails into a burning house? And when we do hit something the credit goes to this or that jihadi group.” He sighed. “Somehow the Tehreek-e-Taliban always beats us to the juiciest military targets.”

“It gets trickier with ethnic nationalists. We hired some Baloch rebels once but they’d prematurely detonate explosives every time they’d hear Punjabi. I barely made it out of that meeting alive,” said Agent Singh.

“We could try imposing economic sanctions on Pakistan, but first we would need to raise bilateral trade to the point that sanctions become feasible,” urged Ambassador Doot. “Therefore the MEA has formally requested Commerce Minister Anand Sharma to lower trade barriers with Pakistan on a priority basis. We really need to get tough on Pakistan.”

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